Category Archives: Accident Prone

I Got More Chins Than Chinatown

I just had one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I’m pretty sure I may have pulled a muscle in my 2nd chin.

I was yawning.  One of those really BIG yawns that take up your entire face.  Ya feelin’ me?

And all of a sudden, my face was stuck like that.  Just like Mama said.

Seriously, I had this sudden searing, terrible pain just under my chin and when I tried to shut my mouth, it was excruciating.  So I just sat there for a minute with this terrible gaping hole in my face and waited for the pain to ease away.

And then I realized that I may be the first woman in history to pull her double-chin.  I sure would’ve loved to have made the history books another way.  Probably any other way than this.

You see, I have acquired an extra chin or two in my 36 years.  And yes, I usually walk around with some sort of bulge in more than one place on my body.  I’ve made my peace with it.  This is what happens when we get older.

Unless of course, you are my stick-figure sister who works out for an hour and a half every day and eats only cottage cheese and crackers.  If you’re her, then you walk around looking better than you did in your teens.

I hate her.

Just kidding, Sister.  I don’t hate you.

I just don’t like you very much.

Let this be a lesson, ladies.  That old rule about stretching before a workout now applies to yawning.

Trust me, your chins will thank you.

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She Gets It Honest

I have confirmed that at least one of my children has inherited my lack of gracefulness.  Hannah seems to constantly be getting hurt.  Bumps, bruises, scrapes.  All normal for a 6 year-old, I know.  But yesterday confirmed it.  She is accident-prone, for sure.

Yesterday evening she & I decided to go into the backyard and play pitch & catch.  After two throws she says to me, “Pop fly, Mama!”

So I oblige her with a pop fly.  She misses it.  She then says, “Pop fly!  Higher!”

I oblige her again.  And I could almost predict what happened next.  You see, she was jumping and yelling, “Pop fly!” the whole time she should’ve been gauging where her glove needed to be and when the ball finally started to come down to her, she jumped up to meet it chanting all the way.

Well, it drilled her right in the eye.  And it was loud.  I ran to her where she lay on the ground shrieking and holding her eye.  Once I got her to let me look at it, I could see that it immediately turned black & purple and she had a nice sized knot there.

We came inside and we all told her how tough she was and how this would be a great story to share with her teammates at her next game.  Somehow that didn’t seem to make her feel better.

So what did I do?  Well, I did what any mother would do who had just dotted her kid’s eye.  I went to the Dollar Store and bought her a brand new squishy eyeball to play with since one of hers was out of commission.

As I laid her down in bed last night, she said, “Mommy, do you think my eye will still look like this tomorrow at my game?”
I said, “I’m pretty sure it will be swollen and probably still bruised, hon.”

She then closed her eyes and I saw the faintest smile on her lips.  I can’t wait to hear how she tells this story in the dugout at the game tonight.  😉

What Goes Around Comes Around

The Spinster and I went for our usual walk through the graveyard today.  A lot of the footpaths in there are covered in ice and snow.  Every day we find ourselves precariously moving along at a snail’s pace trying not to fall.  And I’d say that for sure every day we have near misses where we slip, but recover nicely.  There have been a few falls here and there, though.  We are clumsy, after all.  You won’t ever hear us argue otherwise.

Today we were coming down an incline and I slipped on a sheet of ice.  I didn’t fall, though.  I was able to stay upright but not without having to display my awkward and ungraceful balancing skills.  The Spinster looks at me and says, “Heh, nice one.”

And exactly 2.2 seconds later she disappeared completely from my peripheral vision.  I turn to find her lying flat on her back.  I then commenced to laughing to the point of almost peeing.

That’s what you get, Spinster…that’s what you get.

Attacked By Nature

As I walked up the street to pay the water bill this afternoon, I was ambushed by all kinds of creatures.

First, there were about a million birds swooping down real low between the roof of the water building and the telephone wires across the street behind the old gym.  Like swooping dangerously low.  A ton of them.  I kept ducking and turning in circles to make sure they weren’t going to come down all kamikaze-like and blast me in the head.  I have no idea how I escaped being pooped on.   Especially me.  I am a frequent bird poop victim.

Then from out of nowhere, a very large  (as in like mythical-beast-large) bug flies into my hair, buzzing like a chainsaw.  I danced around in the middle of the street beating myself about the head until I was seeing stars and was sure that it was gone.

Right about the time I recovered from that along comes a beautiful butterfly that flies directly into my eye.  Yes it did.  Like it was flying all crazy, kinda like how Woodstock flies, ya know?  And at first I was thinking how lovely it was and then I was like “Woah buddy, where are you going all wonky like that?”  and then BAM!  right in my eye it flew!

This is unbelievable because it is literally like a 3-minute walk from my house to the water company.  I’m home safely now and I’m going to try to remain indoors.  Good day.

Random + A Giveaway! Hootie Hoo!

Okay, so I have a feeling that this will be the first of many off the wall, random posts, now that I have so much free time on my hands.

For your sakes, I hope not.

I am amazed, amazed I tell you!  At how clean my house is right now.  I hate to be sounding like a boastful, bragging snot, but my house is clean.  CLEAN!!!  And so far, 3 days and counting, it has continued to stay clean after the girls get home.  Call me crazy, but I think that the cleanliness bug is catching because it would appear that they are actually picking up after themselves.  Somebody pinch me.

Not only is my house clean, but things are gettin’ done around here sister!  We’ve had a throw pillow on our couch with a huge gaping hole along the seam for months.  For whatever reason, I could never find the time to just sit down and sew that sucker back up.  Oh we’d continue to use the pillow and all.  Someone would lay on it and then all the stuffing would come out and I’d come in to find it and holler, “Now WHO, pray tell, forgot to stuff the pillow back when they were done using it?!  What is the MATTER with you people around here?!”

Okay and so yes, I know that’s just ridiculous, but it’s true, that’s what we did.  For months.  And then yesterday, I saw that pillow sitting there and I just walked over, got my sewing basket and got down to fixing that thing.  It was so weird to be able to see something that needed done and just walk over there and do it, instead of just making a mental note of it for the bazillionth time.  Now I have time to get things done that never even made it into the ballpark of my To-Do list before.

Still, I miss my girls.  Especially in the morning after walking them to school.  It takes me about 10 minutes to walk back home and all the time I’m walking, I’m thinking about them and how much I miss them and how much of a humongous wimp I am because what’s the matter with me, anyway?  Why am I so sappy?  I’ll see them again in the afternoon, geez.  And then I get home and I get busy and I feel better and I love the progress I am making.

Then when it gets closer to time to pick them up, I start to get excited and wonder how their day went.  I try to have something special for them or something neat for us to do when they get home and finish their homework.  Today it is Extreme Fudge Chocolate Brownies.  And then I’m going to do their nails.   Um actually, today is a little over the top now that I think about it.  I am going to have a hard time topping today’s activities.  Ah well, you only live once, right?

So here’s another bit of randomness, Katie was apparently using my camera yesterday and snapped the picture below without my knowing.  Nothing special about it, but look at Willie Nelson’s eyes.  That dog has the craziest eyes.  Doesn’t he?  Maybe I’ve just lived under a rock my whole life and you already know plenty of dogs running around out there with eyes like that, but to me, they are crazy.   And for as big of a pain in the butt as he is, he sure does make me laugh a lot.  Crazy eyes and all.

And by the way, can any of you professional photographers tell me why my pictures look so blurry?  When I pull them up in Picasa, they look crisp and clear and then when I load them on here, they look like poop on a stick.

Okay and last (I think) on my list of randomness, I am sad to report that I think Katie may have inherited my clumsiness.  Yesterday we were on our way down the street to deliver a jar of salsa that the Spinster had requested.

My niece came riding up beside us in her boyfriend’s car and they had stopped to talk to us.  Katie and Hannah were riding their little scooters and Katie was up ahead of us a little ways.  She was completely stopped and had one foot on the scooter and one on the ground.  She went to turn back to look at us and when she did, her scooter rolled away from her a little bit and then just flew completely out from under her.  She landed flat on the front side of her body, arms and legs extended all crazy-like and from my angle, it looked like she bounced her face off the concrete.

When I got up to her, she was crying like crazy and her leg was bleeding.  We were just in front of our neighbor’s house, so I thought that even though she’s gotten so big lately, that I could carry her home.  I threw her scooter into my neighbor’s yard and picked her up in my arms.  By the time we reached our door, she was barely hanging on.  With each step I took, she slid further and further down my body until her butt was a few mere inches from the ground and I was holding her by the tips of my fingers, moving at a snail’s pace.

She’s still wailing her head off, and me, I’m laughing, because I know how ridiculous we look.  And why on earth did I think that I could carry her all that way?  And at this point, wouldn’t we both be better off if I’d just put her down and let her hobble the rest of the way?  But no, I had to just keep on trying to get her to the door even though it was painfully obvious for the whole neighborhood to see that I am a giant weakling.  I also thought to myself how this was another one of my fabulous “Mother of the Year” moments.  I hope and pray that this was just a one time fluke and that she has not inherited my gracefulness.  Lord help us all if she has.  I don’t think this family can survive two of me.

Okay, so I thought I was done, but I have just one more thing.  I’m doing my first ever giveaway!  Could be my last too, so you better get in while the gettin’s good!

Actually no, I’m lying.  I did a giveaway once, long ago, but it doesn’t really count because it was lame and I was just trying to get rid of this little Coca-Cola glass that I didn’t know what to do with, but couldn’t stand to throw away.

And since I was just rifling through some old pictures and found this most hilarious photo of myself, I decided to incorporate it into the giveaway.

All you have to do is tell me what you think I’m doing in this photo.  You might remember what that photo was from, but you don’t have to guess it correctly, in fact you can make up your own scenario or caption to go along with it.  I will pick a random winner from all that reply and you will win a fabulous parting gift!  Tell ’em what they’ll win, Rod!

“Ladies and gentleman, by entering this contest, you have the chance to win this wonderful, fabulous,  brand new, used……..BOOK!”

Okay, so I know it’s not a trip to the Bahamas or anything, but I will tell you that I enjoyed reading it and got some great ideas from it.  And I loved the fact that the ideas were all simple and doable.  I’ll allow comments until August 25th, and then announce the winner.

Okay, I’m done now.  🙂

A Public Service Announcement About Hot Pepper Safety

Today my eyeballs were burned almost completely out of my head.

I cried.  Really I did.  Real tears and all.

I was chopping up a habanero pepper for Brian’s lunch.  You know habaneros, right?  One of the hottest peppers in the world?  The kind that they warn you to wear gloves with while cutting them?  And repeatedly warn you to wash hands thoroughly after handling?

And not 5 minutes after I said “Girls, see these peppers here that mommy just cut up?  Don’t touch them.  Don’t even come near them.”, my eye itched and I scratched it.  Even though I had washed my hands thoroughly (or so I thought), it immediately felt as if someone was pouring rubbing alcohol or perhaps lava into my eye.

I ran, screaming, into the bathroom, narrowly missing running straight into the wall.  I screamed “BRIAN I NEED YOU!!!!!!”

Because, you know, my running and screaming wasn’t really enough of a red flag to him that I might need assistance.  While I’m jumping and screaming in the bathroom, I can hear him telling the girls about how HOT these peppers are.

“HELLOOOOO!  NEED ASSISTANCE IN THE BATHROOM!  EYEBALLS MELTING DOWN MY FACE!”

So, we stood over the sink while he poured cold water into my eyes and all over my face.  When the burning finally subsided enough for me to stop screaming, I found that one of my contacts was folded up and wedged into the corner of my eye.  He had handled the peppers too, so I didn’t want him trying to get the contact out.  I ended up getting it out with a towel.

So, I now had one blind eye that was badly burned and full of lint and one eye that still had a contact in it.  My vision is really bad, so I can’t function with one contact in and one out.

So I washed my hands thoroughly precisely 27 times and then attempted to remove the other contact, thus starting another round of screaming and hopping and crying.

What I’m trying to say folks is this:  Don’t mess around with the habaneros.  Wear gloves, people!  And if you don’t wear gloves, you have to wash your hands to the point of being raw and red and almost bleeding.  And once you’ve done that, go ahead and wash them again about 13 more times for good measure.

It’s Raining Beans!

Hallelujah, it’s raining beans!

I just had a bean explosion in my kitchen.  A literal explosion in which I dropped to the floor because I thought someone was shooting at me.  Because you know, I live on the mean streets of Hope, Indiana where there’s cause for screaming like a pansy and dropping to the floor when you hear a loud noise.

In the words of my buddy Monk, “Here’s what happened“:

So I’m making a double batch of refried beans.  And I employ my trusty pressure canner.  Now I’ve not been canning long, so I still consult my user’s manual every time I use this bad girl because I’m a little frightened of her still.

So, I read step by step and assemble the pieces and everything is great.  So I crank up the heat and wait for my beans to cook.

Now, I consider myself to be a half-way intelligent person, but what I did today was just plain stupid.  It really was.  You see, when I put the pressure gauge and the over-pressure plug on the lid, I switched their places.  So, I had them in the completely wrong place.  And the over-pressure plug flew out of it with a sound that was, I kid you not, like a gun shot. I was standing a few feet away from the stove, thank goodness because I could have been seriously injured and burned.  Anyway, I hit the floor, just like I told you, screamed and then began to feel the rainstorm in my kitchen.  Bean water shot straight up from the canner and hit the ceiling and then began to rain down all over the kitchen.  It was a mess that took 3 hours to rectify.  I’m not kidding.

Remember the old Stephen King book and movie, Maximum Overdrive, where all of the cars, machines and appliances in the world become murderous and start killing everyone?

Hey, I’m just sayin’…it could happen!

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