That title makes absolutely no sense.
Today I was thinking. Dangerous, I know.
You know how some people will say “people change”? You know, like as if to say, Well he used to be a real butt-face (sorry Mamaw!) but you know, people change, man.
And then other people will say that people never change. Like when someone says, Once a cheater, always a cheater, people never change, man.
But today I was thinking about how much I’ve changed throughout my life. I was born in a small town, was a little dirtball-heathen growing up. I was shy and quiet and awkward around people that I didn’t know well (still am). Jesus saved me when I was 8. I can still remember what I wore under my white robe when I was baptized. A blue sweatshirt with a puppy and a kitten on it that said, “Best Friends”. It was my most favorite article of clothing at the time and I’m pretty sure I wore it until it disintegrated.
Then I became sports obsessed in junior high and high school, I think I might have been slightly boy-crazy somewhere in there too.
Married right after high school. Divorced a year and a half later. Turned into a rowdy, tattooed rebel in my twenties. Met Brian on the ball field, got married, became a mom, and finally heard Jesus’ voice calling me back to Him after I’d been blocking it out for years. Now I’m all settled into my life as wife and mother and it feels real good.
I think back to when I was a little girl and I used to tell everyone that I was NEVER. NEVAH EVAH. going to have kids. EVER. And then I met Brian and we got married and I couldn’t wait to have me some brats running around. That was a change that I never saw coming. Seriously. It was like I suddenly realized that I loved another person so much that I actually wanted to go through that dreaded pregnancy thing and actually spit out some yard apes.
I think back about my wild party days, (or should I say daze?) and how I really thought that I was invincible and that bad things only happen to other people, so why bother with worrying about my safety or the safety of others? And that I didn’t really need Jesus like I thought I did when I was 8. And I will tell you now, that I can remember the exact moment that I felt the urgent need to RUN, not walk, as fast as I could back to Him, because without Him I was nothing but a dead woman walking, and that was the very second that I first looked at my precious daughter’s face. All those years of ignoring His voice, I thought I had finally blocked it out completely, but there it was loud and clear, calling to me, just like always. That was definitely a huge change in my life. And looking back now, I know that it was God’s mercy that kept me safe from harm all those years.
And even now, I still struggle with my sin and with the fact that someone so undeserving of His mercy and grace and patience and love can actually receive it. And that’s why I say that people change, but they also don’t, because deep down inside of me is that shy little dirty-heathen girl who feels unworthy and uncertain at times, buried under all the layers of me, but still in there.
And on a lighter note, this is totally unrelated, but Katie just walked up and kissed me and she had put some Vick’s Vapo-Rub under her nose because she’s all stuffy and it got on my lip and my lip is now on fire. 🙂 Goodnight, friends.