People Change…And They Also Don’t So Much…I’m So Deep, Man.

That title makes absolutely no sense.

Today I was thinking.  Dangerous, I know.

You know how some people will say “people change”?  You know, like as if to say, Well he used to be a real butt-face (sorry Mamaw!) but you know, people change, man.

And then other people will say that people never change.  Like when someone says, Once a cheater, always a cheater, people never change, man.

But today I was thinking about how much I’ve changed throughout my life.  I was born in a small town, was a little dirtball-heathen growing up.   I was shy and quiet and awkward around people that I didn’t know well (still am).  Jesus saved me when I was 8.  I can still remember what I wore under my white robe when I was baptized.  A blue sweatshirt with a puppy and a kitten on it that said, “Best Friends”.  It was my most favorite article of clothing at the time and I’m pretty sure I wore it until it disintegrated.

Then I became sports obsessed in junior high and high school, I think I might have been slightly boy-crazy somewhere in there too.

Married right after high school.  Divorced a year and a half later.   Turned into a rowdy, tattooed rebel in my twenties. Met Brian on the ball field, got married, became a mom, and finally heard Jesus’ voice calling me back to Him after I’d been blocking it out for years.   Now I’m all settled into my life as wife and mother and it feels real good.

I think back to when I was a little girl and I used to tell everyone that I was NEVER.  NEVAH EVAH. going to have kids.  EVER.  And then I met Brian and we got married and I couldn’t wait to have me some brats running around.  That was a change that I never saw coming.  Seriously.  It was like I suddenly realized that I loved another person so much that I actually wanted to go through that dreaded pregnancy thing and actually spit out some yard apes.

I think back about my wild party days, (or should I say daze?) and how I really thought that I was invincible and that bad things only happen to other people, so why bother with worrying about my safety or the safety of others?  And that I didn’t really need Jesus like I thought I did when I was 8.  And I will tell you now, that I can remember the exact moment that I felt the urgent need to RUN, not walk, as fast as I could back to Him, because without Him I was nothing but a dead woman walking, and that was the very second that I first looked at my precious daughter’s face.  All those years of ignoring His voice, I thought I had finally blocked it out completely, but there it was loud and clear, calling to me, just like always.  That was definitely a huge change in my life.  And looking back now, I know that it was God’s mercy that kept me safe from harm all those years.

And even now, I still struggle with my sin and with the fact that someone so undeserving of His mercy and grace and patience and love can actually receive it.  And that’s why I say that people change, but they also don’t, because deep down inside of me is that shy little dirty-heathen girl who feels unworthy and uncertain at times, buried under all the layers of me, but still in there.

And on a lighter note, this is totally unrelated, but Katie just walked up and kissed me and she had put some Vick’s Vapo-Rub under her nose because she’s all stuffy and it got on my lip and my lip is now on fire.  🙂  Goodnight, friends.

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11 thoughts on “People Change…And They Also Don’t So Much…I’m So Deep, Man.

  1. Gretchen August 31, 2010 at 2:50 am Reply

    Oh I love this post Amee. I don’t even really know what to say except that I am so glad you shared it with us.

  2. Christy August 31, 2010 at 3:07 am Reply

    Most beautiful post!!! You made me cry! Thank you for sharing!!

  3. Jen August 31, 2010 at 12:42 pm Reply

    Continued Blessings!

  4. Chris Tallent August 31, 2010 at 7:52 pm Reply

    Alright, then…when are you gonna give a testimony at church? Cause, you just did it here 😉 mmmhhhmmm.

    • klutzymama August 31, 2010 at 8:04 pm Reply

      I don’t know…I’m really reeeeeeeeeeeeeally scared about that – that’s terrible, I know.

  5. Becky September 1, 2010 at 11:21 am Reply

    I can SOOO relate with this post.
    The old saying goes we always return to our roots.
    He calls me and I talk to him EVERY day. I don’t go to church anymore. But I need to. I just need to find one that I’m comfortable in. You know what I mean.

    • klutzymama September 1, 2010 at 11:57 am Reply

      Yes, I do know what you mean. It took us a long time to find a church that we felt comfortable in. And sometimes I still feel weird and I really don’t know why, but it really does feel good to get together and worship with others.

  6. Becky September 1, 2010 at 11:29 am Reply

    Oh yeah, I have this mental picture of you hitting the post button and running to the bathroom to wash your lip. Funny!

  7. Tana September 2, 2010 at 12:01 am Reply

    Sister, I love this post. I hardly ever cry, but you got me with this one!!

    I also had a vision of you running to the bathroom to scrub off the vic’s mustache!! heehee!

  8. Averyl September 2, 2010 at 11:11 am Reply

    This is wonderful. I, too, have made major changes in my life. I sometimes wonder though, are we different people because of it, or are we simply more of ourselves as intended.

    • klutzymama September 2, 2010 at 5:20 pm Reply

      Very good point, Averyl.

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