Psycho Dog

Well, Willie seems to be getting lots of coverage in my posts here lately. I’m trying so hard to find a way to love this dog, but he is making it so difficult for me. And I’m a dog person, I love dogs! I mean he’s Willie Nelson, afterall, I didn’t just hand out that name to him on a whim because I am serious about my Willie Nelson! I do so love me some Willie Nelson!

But he’s crazy! And not crazy in a good, fun kind of way, either.
Today I took him to Mutt Tubbs for a bath. He’s getting so huge now, that I really can’t get him in the bathtub by myself anymore and he was smelling pretty raunchy, so off we went.

I was smart and used his “Gentle Leader” this time. First of all, let me just say that there ain’t nothin gentle about that leader, but it sure is effective. It fits around his mouth and then around the back of the head and basically, when he tries to pull me, it turns his head back towards me, which makes him immediately stop pulling, so it’s very helpful. However, it’s not real helpful when he’s in a room full of other dogs. You see, in a room full of other dogs he could care less that his head keeps getting jerked back towards his butt, he just wants to keep pulling and lunging.
We walk into Mutt Tubbs and there’s only one other dog there, sitting so sweetly and quietly, like a good doggy should and in walks my maniac on four legs and it’s instant chaos! He’s barking and jumping and pulling and Hannah finds all of this so humorous, so she’s cackling really loud and I’m pulling and politely yelling at my dog (I always politely reprimand him in public. None of that “screaming-at-the-top-of-my-lungs” kind of yelling, meant to strike fear into his heart, that I do at home), completely embarrassed by his rude behavior. The lady just kinda laughs and walks over & tries to pet him.

Now, I need to break off here for a minute and explain that I always try to warn people not to try to pet him, that he’s wild and certifiably insane, but they ALWAYS do it anyway…like I’m lying or something or like they think that they have this special “dog connection” that will keep him from mauling them, but they are ALWAYS wrong. So, she walks over to Willie and tries to pet him and he’s jumping all over her…jumping almost as high as her head and she says to me “Well! He IS a wild one, isn’t he?”

Yeah, no crap, lady! I just tried to tell you that!

Anyway, after much pulling, tugging, and possibly even a little swearing under my breath, I get him up on the platform and into the tub. The nice thing about Mutt Tubbs is that the tubs are up off the ground, about waist high, so it makes the bathing process easier. That is, easy if you have a normal dog. If you have psycho dog, then it only makes matters worse. They give you these little leash-type things to connect the dog to the tub, to keep them from jumping out, so after I finally got him connected, we were in business.

I sprayed and he shook and squirmed and tried so hard to rip that leash-thing off and get away. At one point he actually fell out of the tub and hung himself with the leash-thing! He was literally hanging by his neck, feet not touching the ground! I had to pick up his dead weight and unhook the leash-thing from the tub to keep him from being hanged. And believe me, if that would have happened…there ain’t nobody that would believe it was an accident! I finally got him washed and rinsed and I was soaked completely from head to waist and so was most of the floor and walls.
Then it was time for the dryer. I have to admit that this part was actually pretty funny and I found myself cackling right along with Hannah. You see, the dryer is this long hose with a skinny tube-like thing on the end and it comes out at a pretty good rate of pressure. So, this completely FREAKED him out and he was barking at and trying to bite the air that was blasting him. It was quite comical. When I was done, he looked to be about 4 times his normal size. This was the first time he’s ever had his hair blow-dried and he became this gigantic puff ball. His hair is curly, but the blow-drying kind of turned it into a feathery-afro…kinda wavy. It was so funny, I was kinda embarrassed for the guy. I think it took away some of his dignity and I felt that maybe he was feeling like a big dork in front of the other dog.
About that time, this lady comes in with a HUGE golden retriever and it was obvious that he was an older dog. He kinda strutted in and just gave Willie this look as if to say “You bore me.” But Willie, of course, was just chompin’ at the bit to get at this dog and then I had to start the whole song and dance with this dog’s owner:
“Don’t try to pet him, he’s wild…blah, blah, blah”

“Oh no, I’m great with dogs…Hi cute fella…woah! woah! down dog! bad dog!” (and then a scornful look at me)

So, at this point, I just want to pay and get out of there with what little dignity I have left. But in walks another lady, dogless, so I’m feeling relieved about that. So, she says she’s here to pick up a dog named Lily. Now, why the lady didn’t just let me pay and get out before she went to get Lily, I don’t know, but I so wished she would have. She didn’t so I’m stuck trying to keep Willie from jumping all over Senior Citizen Dog. She comes back with this small, sweet, calm little dog that, to me, looks like a small poodle. The dog’s owner was so happy to see her and was giving her all kinds of praise and this dog wasn’t jumping wildly all over her owner or trying to attack every other dog in the place. She was so well behaved.

So the lady with the retriever says to the lady with Lily, “What kind of dog is she?”
She says “Labradoodle.” Retriever lady looks at me and I try to pretend like I’m busy with Willie because I know what’s coming, but I don’t want to answer, but she asks anyway what kind of dog I have.

“Labradoodle”, I mumble. So, I try to come to my dog’s defense by saying “Well he’s only 7 months old, so he’s still real energetic.”

Then Lily’s mom says “She’s 7 months too.”

Retriever lady just looked at me and I just looked down at Willie and proceeded to drag him to the counter to pay. Somehow in that process, the leash ended up between my legs, so I’m trying to write a check to pay and he’s still lunging at Senior Dog only now he’s causing me some serious discomfort in the nether regions.

I finally managed to get the lady paid and he tried to jump all over every man, woman and beast on the way out and I’m sure those ladies had a nice laugh at me and Willie’s expense once we were gone. So, I say again, I’m trying to love this dog. Maybe one day I’ll look back on these times and laugh. But for now…the dog, he is crazy.

Amen!

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One thought on “Psycho Dog

  1. Little Sister May 1, 2008 at 8:41 pm Reply

    First I would like to ask… why can’t Brian give him a bath at home? Jansen gives Pacino his baths on the weekend. Anyways, I think you should hire someone to follow you around and video everything you do. You could make some serious $$ for all your crazy times! I know a guy who has ALL DAY free. Let me know!

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